Dear God,
I recently came across a list of some of the plans I made for last year and I felt so let down and disappointed. You placed me in a family where goal setting and goal evaluations are bread and butter. I remember praying to you and committing those plans to you, hoping they were all going to bloom into fruition with minimal hindrance.
Unfortunately, they did not. Looking at this list in light of the current situation in the world made me visualize the difference between where I am now and where I could have been. And this made me angry.
First, I was enraged at the world for not giving me enough opportunities to achieve my dreams even when I felt I had made myself available for them. And then I turned my resentment on my family. I convinced myself that they didn’t push me harder or provide everything I needed in excess. I ignored the snort and internal eye roll that was piercing and seeking a way out at this.
When the anger directed at mere mortals did not satisfy me, I became mad at you. It wasn’t the red-hot anger that makes one tremble from the force of it. No, it was the quiet and helpless one that made me fear I was racing towards depression. You are God after all and I believe with a nod, I could be well-established for life.
Lord, it is not that I am not grateful for every other thing you have done. At that moment, I only wished you had snapped your fingers and had me achieving them all on the timeline I had penned down. I am sure you could see into my heart. I genuinely wanted to achieve my goals for the sole purpose of helping others. So, why couldn’t you do your divine work faster?!
It did not dawn on me for a while that I was being selfish.
And when it finally did, I realized how foolish I was and still am sometimes. I realized that in your silence, you were trying to send me a simple message that you are God and I am not. So, I knelt and listened to the voice within and I knew. Who was I to take the place of God? Who was I to dictate your ways? What right did I have to dictate the timelines for the fulfillment of your will for me? In the end, I am only a mortal and your plans are so much better.
God, I deeply apologize for getting angry and not being grateful for the gifts you give me daily. I apologize for shifting the blame on everyone else but myself. It was more convenient having others bear the grunt of my disappointment than going back to the drawing board and trusting in your plans for me. While I am still a work-in-progress, I can only do the best I can and pray for your will to be done through the works of my hand. At the end of the day, You alone are God.
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Love,
Diane.
