Dear God,
It’s been a while since I penned you a note. The notes just didn’t seem to come together; they are merely disjointed and random mumbles from an overthinking mind.
I think I am still struggling with completely trusting you without my head getting in the way. There are so many uncertainties that life comes with, and it can be downright scary to just be still and trust you wholly.
No matter how much I try to rein it in, the doubts persist.
Will my efforts yield fruit?
Is this path I’m taking your desired will?
Will I pass this exam/scale through this interview?
When will the good news come?
Why is there stagnation?
Will things ever change for the better?
For most of us, the list is endless. And quite sadly too, because once we cross off an item of worry, another is waiting in a long queue to replace it. I’ve wondered in the light of all these, how then am I expected to be still?
I try to imagine being in the place of absolute surrender. A state of completely letting go of the reins of my life, not 90% or 99.9% but all of it. It seems doable for a while but when push comes to shove, I panic and find myself flailing and clutching desperately for anything- forgetting that You are in control.
I know I am not alone in this struggle, but I want to make a conscious decision to rise above it. You know how scared of heights I am, but I still fall asleep on long and short flights, forgetting that fear and momentarily trusting my life to the pilot, a mere mortal.
How much more You!
I want to slap myself for forgetting sometimes that You’re bigger than my wildest imaginations and Your thoughts towards me are only good. But You’ve shown me a way to remember – going back to the art of worship.
And as I repeat those lyrics and sing those words, I remember. I believe. And the calmness washes over me, even when I feel like I’m drowning amid a storm.
I’ve come to understand better what you mean by being still. It is not a replacement for doing absolutely nothing as I once thought, but a reminder to remain calm in the face of the challenges that seem to drown us. It is a reminder to trust that You will be there to hold our hands to the very end.
So, every day, like a chant, I remind myself to be still and trust You. Because You are who you say You are and doing this life-thingy with You at the driver’s seat makes living hopeful. And I pray that with Your grace, I’ll finally hack it permanently and have no need for reminders anymore!
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Diane.